I sought out meditation because I wanted peace of mind. I was stressed. I could not stop thinking about my work, or people who annoyed me, or tasks I had forgotten to do. I arrived late to my first Mindfulness Mediation workshop, distraught, angry, confused, but knowing it was important to stay for the daylong session.
As the meditation techniques were explained and practiced, I could feel my body and mind relax. I also could feel the emotions in my body - my chest, my stomach, my back, my legs. This was not something that I had known I could, or should, pay attention to.
During lying meditation, my emotions swelled up. I allowed a few tears to escape down my cheek. Not enough for others to notice, I hoped. I knew then that meditation was going to help me figure myself out and that I would come back for more.
About the same time, I discovered Julia Cameron’s morning pages. To clear the mind, write anything for three pages. Writing my morning thoughts down in a journal gave me an outlet for expressing what is on my mind. With meditation I had become aware of my emotions, but sometimes sitting with them was not sufficient. The writing prompts in The Artist’s Way provoked an inner awareness. Directing my emotions into a private written response felt better and gave me a focal point.
After twenty years of self observation, both with journaling and with meditation, I am aware of my patterns with anger. Emotional anger comes in various strengths, ranging from mild irritations to raging furies. I have learned that anger is my natural response to situations that seem unfair, where rules have been broken, or when I feel threatened.
Anger is an indicator of what matters to you
Anger polarizes my stance. Anger is a focusing emotion. My breath becomes sharp, my body alert. My sights are targeted on the transgression. In my journal, I write things like – they are not right, I don’t trust this, that’s a load of crap.
Usually, my anger is triggered because one of my values has been challenged. For example, I become protective when the quality of my work is compromised. Seeing the patterns in my own hand-writing - literally seeing what is on my mind - helps me to make choices about what I want to do to address this situation.
With years of practice, I can now turn toward the anger in a way that is intuitive and creative, rather than as a destructive and downward spiral. There are still situations where I over-react and speak inappropriately. Other situations have me internalizing and feeling bad about myself.
With each regret, I return to my meditation practice and my journaling. I begin again. Perhaps with more wisdom. Sometimes with a better response for next time.
Usually with relief that I have found a way to simply begin again.
I love your point about how anger is a great way to figure out your internal compass. Inspiring to hear about the work you've done around listening to it and also honing it so it doesn't get out of control.
Do you still write your morning pages? I sit down to start something, and then get distracted. Think I need to double down.